I am a Software Engineer

I am a Software Engineer

IT Experience: 1.5 year

Computer Skills: Java, J2EE, SQL, HTML, XML

OS/Environment: Windows 98/2000/XP/NT, Linux

PDM Packages: EMatrix (Integrations, VCP Applications)

Application Servers: WebSphere, WebLogic

Web Servers: Tomcat

IDE: Eclipse, WebSphere Studio

This is a direct copy-paste from my latest resume. I maintain 3 copies of it. One in doc format, one in pdf and one in txt.

Working in a Software Company is a very difficult task. For Civil Engineers like me, it’s more difficult than drawing a Bending Moment Diagram of a rectangular beam rigidly fixed at its two ends. But we consistently keep Building the Resume, as they say in Software circles…

A few days back, I was asked to write “a servlet that periodically pings a remote servlet, reads the response each time, and stops pinging once the response contains a particular string”. It was a mammoth task for me. Firstly because in my 1.5 year long stint as a Software Engineer, I had never written code from scratch. And secondly….well…there was no second reason…

I immediately googled, read some tutorials on servlets and was ready with the basic structure of the servlet in a few hours. And thereafter, all that I needed to do was to fill the required masala inside to add the desired functionality to the servlet…which I did, with the help of my boss. And finally, by EOD, the servlet was ready, to ping another servlet…and wow, it was actually pinging…ping…ping…ping…dhishoommmmm!!!!

I was very happy with my achievement…so much that I immediately called 3 gals one by one…office fone, local calls FREE…yippeeee!!! I told them about the wonderful servlet that “I wrote all by myself”. Chameli got so excited, she started jumping on her seat (she works in Wipro, our neighbouring company). Radhika said, she’d never thought such a servlet was possible, and accepted that I was a genius and not an idiot-stupid-non-sense-dumd-ass which she always called me and, god-promise, she loved to call me that. Draupadi was so impressed, she wanted to meet me that very evening over a cup of coffee to discuss her issues with, guess who, her boy-friend Duryodhan. God, these gals!!!

Thanks to the company that pays me for timepass, Algebraic Hardware Problems Unlimited (name changed for obvious reasons), I have 1.5 year experience in Software Engineering. Add to it my IIT BTech degree...and lo...I am highly valued in the IT job market!!! Some day I will do great stuff...Must be true!!! Afterall CMM-Level-5 companies think so...

Every morning I receive calls from chiks:

Chik: Sir this is Ruby calling from nutrino HR consultants, Sir. We have found your resume in one of the job-sites, Sir. Sir, are you looking for a change Sir???

I say yes, she tells me about a few openings. Then I crack some stupid joke, she laughs (happens in 90% cases...seriously, genuine laugh, no kidding). Then i hear a mmmmuuuaaah, she doesn’t say it. Then I say ki dear, I am not interested. She asks for references of my friends who might be interested. I give her Raamkhilaavan’s cell number. She thanks me twice...and then, it’s Raamkhilaavan’s turn to have fun J . Ab ye mat kehna ke saalaa frustiyaa gaya hai...jao pehle uss aadmi ka sign le kar aao jisne IIT jaisi ghinauni cheez banaayi...

Din ki shuruaat acchi ho to poora din accha guzartaa hai - baba Raamdev once told me in a dream. And I am his sincere disciple...ab mai chala kaam karne...dekhein kaun kaun online hai...great, Miss Paro is there...waiting to be pinged...ping…ping…ping…dhishoommmmm!!!!

LaajVanti

I fell in love with LaajVanti, the most beautiful girl in my class, kaksha chauthi, Dakshin Poorva Railway Aangla Madhyamik Shaala, Bilaspur. I decided that I would propose to her. But before that, I wanted to have a talk with Mr. Sandy Word, the person to get in touch with for any councelling in female matters. I felt, even girls could approach him for advice, as he seemed to know more about girls than girls themselves. He was a genius in handling female issues. No wonder he had failed twice in chauthi kakshaaa....

That day Sandy was sitting on the last bench, as usual, maaroing line, to the last bench waali chik. It was the short recess at 10.30. I had 10 minutes to talk to him. I had planned to propose Laajo during the long-recess at 1.00.

As I went near him, Sandy gave me that arrogant look, which all babe-lucky guys give to poor souls like me. I sat by his side and began....

Me: Oye Sandy, yaar I think I am in love.

Sandy: Abe kat le. Tu kya jaane pyar kya hota hai? Unse poocho jo dil jalaaye baithe hain naazneenon ki khaatir. (he said looking at that last bench waali chik. She smiled, and started shaking her legs and chanting la la la. I didn't understand sex at that time...but Sandy whispered into my ear that this meant sexual invitation from her!!!)

I was getting mad. 2 minutes lost already.

Me: Abe, Dekh, I am thinking of proposing to laajo today.

Sandy: Hey dude, hold on, why do you think you love her?

Me: I think about her all the time. If I close my eyes, it's her face that comes to my mind. Her smile makes me crazy. Her eyes and the spects over them....her ears and ear-rings...her neck and the necklace...her nose and the nostrils...her shoes and her socks...her tunic and her shirt...her tie and her belt...I love everything about her...the way she walks, talks, eats, drinks, laughs, plays, dances, sings...I just love her...

Sandy: Whoops!!! So we have a majnu out here...eh? Aisa hai to mai rokoonga nahi...tu jaa, keh de usse dil kee baat...but dekh, style hona mangta hai...verna wohi wo saala, bomb ban ke....BOOMMMM....

I didn't understand what he meant. But he seemed to approve of my plan. So I decided to go ahead with it...

It was 1.00. The bell rang...bole to long-recess began. Laajo immediately went out of the class. I ran after her. She was going towards the girls-toilet...I wanted to catch her before she could go inside...I ran...then I shouted...“Laaajoooooo“...wow, that was just like Shahrukh khaan shouting “Anjaleeeeee“ in kuch kuch hota hai...but I felt good. I was gaining confidence...She stopped at the toilet door. I went nearer.

Laajo: what?

Me: Laajo, I wanted to talk to you.

Laajo: Haan bolo...

Laajo was vigorously shaking her legs...I wondered whether that was sexual invitation or she was struggling to control the susu. But I preferred the former possibility, as that made me feel good.

Me: Laajo, I have to tell you  something.

Laajo: Arey, jaldi bolo....what's the matter with you idiot?

I was sweating all over, and she was getting uneasy too. May be it was actually the susu. But I was going to say it...come what may...

I sat on my knees and began...

Me: Laajo, I love you. Tumhare baghair jeena kya, jeene ka khwaab bhee nahi dekh sakta. Saanson ke bina shayad kuch pal mai jee sakta hoon, lekin tumhare bina nahi. Tum, haan tum wo pehli ladki ho jise mai zindagi se badhkar chaahne laga hoon. Mera aaj mera kal, mere din mere pal sirf tumhare dum se hain. Meri pooja mein, meri duaaon mein, meri khaamoshiyon mein meri sadaaon mein, sirf tum ho, sirf tum. Taare toot jaayenge, chaand bujhh jaayega, waqt yaheen thahar jaayega, lekin ummeed kee aakhri kiran bujhne tak, aakhri saans chalne tak, mai tumhara raasta dekhoonga, tumhara intazaar karoonga...haan Laajo, mai tumhara intazaar karoonga.....

wow, finally I said it, and in style too!!!

Laajo: So what are you gonna do? Marry me?

I was surprized at her cold reaction. And I was surprized at her question too. I had never thought about it. Marriage???? Is it possible at this age??? O my god, am I supposed to marry her now, and have kids and stuff???? They shit I clean...go office and work, earn money...no play...and no summer vacations...This is awful...Do I really love her??? She's not that cute anyway...I am such a cool kid...and I always come first...

Me: How can I marry, I am just a kid. And I am not sure whether I love you...

She slapped me hard and ran into the girls' toilet.

One should never stop a girl when she is on her way to the toilet.

try...

try driving a bike on a highway at <=40kmph.
try proposing to someone u hate.
try writing a poem and publishing it.
try reading a romantic novel (one of those girlie ones).
try buying a pet and make sure that its alive by the end of the week(like a puppy/cat/parrot).
try watching hum aapke hain kaun continuously 3 times.
try making a portrait of the person u love.
try eating things which u've always hated.
try getting drunk to u'r limit, and then call u'r mom.
try giving a rose to u'r boss on her b'day.
try singing aloud when there's perfect silence in the office.
try laughing for no reason when some serious discussion is going on.
try watching kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thhi and then try discussing with u'r room-mate why tulsi did whatever she did.
try coming from office to home on foot particularly when it takes 2 hours to walk the distance and 15 mins on a vehicle.
try replying in hindi to whatever the gal u are talking to says in english. (seriously, i believe if there were no gals in india, nobody wud have spoken english).
try telling u'r mom about how sexy priyanka chopra looks.
try counting the stars from the reference frame of the moon (hmm, whatever that means).
try talking in english even to a beggar in chennai (actually there is no other option).
try cautioning someone having a pulsar to be careful coz its huge tank can hit u there.
try laughing when a gal cracks a joke.
try going out with a gal on a long walk and at everything she says, reply with "to mai kya karoon?" (gals expect u to keep listening......u don't need to react....listening alone makes them happy.....in fact reacting can screw up things....personal experience).
try looking into the eyes of any gal and saying "tumhari aankhon mein itna dard kyon hai".(90% cases she'll fall for it.....personal experience).
try calling a gal "moti" (gals call each other moti all the time.....whatever be the dimensions).
try going to a gym in full body-building gear.
try staring at a person continuously for as long as possible while he is swimming.
try saying "kaccha paapad pakka paapad" 20 times, and fast.
try joining TCS and then quit in 2 months and pay the full bond money coz u need an experience certificate from TCS.
try disturbing gunny when he is talking to a gal on fone (he dhamkaoed me of throwing away my mobile fone).
try pulling kuvalaya's hair (he pinched my left nipple so hard, it still pains at times).
try pulling my hair (i will kill u).
try convincing a group of u'r friends while having dinner that it is better not to marry.
try sitting in room 540 (satyabhama univ, boys hostel) when anant, kuvalay and ashutosh are discussing about iitd gals. (to do this now u need a time machine, i'm sorry).
try calling gunny a flirt coz he goes and chipkooos with all gals.
try asking gunny who is his "moti-vation".
try joining geometric software where people don't do any work. (there is force but no displacement, or vice versa......i am not sure....at least the product is zero)
try going to mumbai on weekends.
try climbing a tree.
try looking out of the window and thinking about u'r school days.
try going out with a school friend with whom u never spoke when u were in school (personal experience).
try pulling pavan (pavan, rashtrapati bhavan)'s ID-Card Tag from behind and doing "chal mere ghode tik tik tik".
try talking with Amor Jyoti Dinda on any serious topic.
try cracking a joke in front of shivangi (she'll cry).
try singing a senti song when deepthi shenoy asks u to sing for her. (u'll see saurabh sharma sitting in one corner and making odd and mischievous faces).
try writing a very short feedback for sudarshna as shashank did.
try asking sudha about who proposed first, she or sandy.
try looking into the eyes of rahul jalan.
try talking to him.
try cracking jokes in a pune-wala six-seater auto when many wipro-spectramind babes are around.
try talking to pani-puri waalaas.
try buying a bottle of jam and finishing it off in 10 minutes.
try going for a trek on a rainy day.
try having soup at the end of u'r meal.
try reading the emails sent by me 2-3 times.

due to time constraint, i am stopping here.......

I become "one point contact"

Boss, this is awsome!!! I have been made the one point contact person for MxCC, the application integrating EMatrix and ClearCase!!! WoW, isn't it exciting? It is like a dream-come-true for me. I always wanted to be this. Right from the moment I could understand what I was thinking, I have been wanting to become the MxCC one point contact person. And I am sure even before that, this very thing had been going on in my mind.

EMatrix is a PDM software. PDM bole to Product Data Management. Bahut jhhakaas cheez hai baap. And ClearCase is a software used for SourceCode version control. Waah kya baat hai!!!
I think this is a great achievement for me. I would like to thank my mummy, daddy, sister, brother, bhabhi, jiju, bhanji - soumya, bhatiji - anjali, bhatija - aditya, my puppy tomy, all my girl-friends....I would like to semi-thank my boy friends, my boss, my teachers, my favourite singer Udit Narayan, the President Mr. A.P.J.Abdul Kalam, the Prime Minister Mr. Manmohan Singh, Ms. Priyanka Chopra, Ms. Amrita Rao, and Raam Lal - the gali ka kutta...without you all this would not have been possible!!!

Finally I would like to dedicate 25% of my achievement to Geometric Software Solutions Co. Ltd. excluding the 3dPLM division and the EMatrix group, and the remaining 75% of my achievement to the EMatrix group...

I hope to make a great one point contact person. Wish me luck!!!

yesterday@DinnerTime

Dinner time is particularly interesting for our group of 6 guys; full of hot discussions on a wide range of topics...dominated mostly by “gals” and “sex”. To be frank, none of us has had any great luck with girls so far. And surely none of us has had sex. Though one of us, Kavi (name changed) has surely committed some assaults on women of objectionable nature...but no great success there...and has given up of late...since he has started feeling “emotions” for a couple of ladies. But he's surely one lad the gals have to beware of.

The eldest of us is Mr. Manish. He takes pride in spelling his name as Manis to add a Bihari touch to it...yes, u guessed it right, the chap is from Bihar and is proud to be so, like any other Bihari. Not from Patna...some Vaishali. All I know about the place is that it is connected in some way to the Lord Buddha. How, i don't remember...but i surely read about the place when I was in my primary or middle school...don't remember that either...ohh man, have a very poor memory. Just like any other educated villager in India, Manis is overly enthusiastic about high values, principles, ideals and stuff.

The shortest of the lot is Mr. Jitender Kumar Verma. Loves to autograph himself as “Z2” though i've explained to him a zillion times why “G2” is a more appropirate way to short-cut his name...but he wouldn't listen. Reason: (I suspect) he was christened with the former shorty by his childhood love: Miss.SS. Though I wudn't delve much into this story as he's broken his chakkar just recently...and is supposedly feeling pretty awful about it...he's a mighty 4'6'' and doesn't talk to gals taller than him...for him they are gigantic witches, and he an innocent little soul...desperate for a bosom to hide his face into...

The wittiest of the lot is Mr. Ravindra Naik...universally known as Macchar...very unpredictable creature, never “says” a “no”...nor does he “know”, as he's pretty confused...not that we all aren't, but this guy wud flaunt it in the most impressive manner. He has couple of chicks connected to him thru cell fone...sms, calls...these days he's rocking.

The most “despo” (pardon my IIT background) of the lot is Mr Ravi Shankar...ghar ka naam Chintoo. Gals are a great emotional support according to him...and his most ardent desire: sunday evening ko koi honi chahiye. He is very sad of late...as he's also forced a break-up with a damsel....long time back there was a lot of this that...but now, everything's over....rather they've taken a break...will soon resume...let's hope...

And the most “beautiful” of the lot is Mr. Sandy Word. A really beautiful guy. Shaves his face 3 times everyday...does facials and all...whatever they call those stuff...which women put on their faces and sit for 3 hours and then wash it off...makes them fair and chikni...and has similar effect on Sandy too...Another Bihari...Koi Bihar ke baare mein kuch nahi bolega SAALA...lately he's joined dance classes...and dance has become his junoon...his bed partners have told me that he shakes his ass periodically even while sleeping...

ok, enough of introduction...

So, what happened yesterday@DinnerTime was....we all sat together and had dinner!!!!