trying not to live

Life has taken great turns. I was never a very quiet person. Neither have I become one. It is just that the inner voice has died down lately. And my thoughts have become more and more superficial. It is great trying to analyze onself; trying to look at u'rself from a distance. The brain (or should I call it the mind), trying to understand itself. Or rather, a part of it studying the other part. It's great to be human.

As I grew up, I learnt a lot about life. I have become and unbecome a lot of things. Experiences taught me a great deal. Experiences - good, bad, weird, happy, sad - many kinds of them. The reluctance to new experiences was always there. We live strange lives. We live trying not to live. We are scared to emote. We are scared to talk reality. We cheat, we deceive, we pretend. Is reality so scary? The power to pretend, that distinguishes man from all the other animals...is it a power at all?

I remember very few incidents from the early years of my adolescence. May be, only those which I have photographs of. Memory fails me even for those at times. And as I descend in time, all memory fades, and I don't remember anything. Even photos don't remind me of anything. Strange are those phases of life. You see, you breate, you hear everything, you feel a lot of things, you cry, you laugh...and yet the brain doesn't register any of those feelings and leaves nothing in the memory of those beautiful times. Why is that so? Is it like that with all animals? How long do animals take to start remembering things after their birth? Does the brain need to know a language of communication to be able to register events? How does it start? And if it really does, do animals, who don't have a way of communicating, never remember anything?

I used to play cricket when I was in school. I was a good player. I loved batting. As a batsman, I was a pinch hitter, trying to hit every ball to the boundary. I was a good fielder as well. I enjoyed a lot, diving all over the field to grab the ball, and shouting humerous slogans. I used to bowl sometimes. But was not very successful at it. I quit playing for work. And all work and no play made me a dull boy. I don't play now. I have got used to this dull state of mine. And I think I enjoy it too, coz I don't want to move out of it. I am trying not to live.

It's raining heavily. Yes, it's the rainy season. Thunder, lightning and then the rain. And everything cools down. Rains! Weird Phenomenon. It flooded last year in Pune. Many people died in the nearby villages. Life is not easy for them. Their homes are drowned in the rains. Summers destroy their crops. Rains do too. And winters kill their uncovered bodies. And here I am, sitting in front of my brand new LCD. There are no rains here. No summer, no winter. This body is definitely alive. I can feel it. My mind feels it. A part of my mind feels it. What else does it feel?

The other part of it is dead.