My Trip to the US - 6

I started from India at mid-night. It wasn't dark for long outside the Aeroplane window. And once it got sunny outside, it stayed like that all throughout my journey till Chicago. Somebody can try to explain how clocks and planes moved to create that effect.

The shutters were always kept closed so that it stayed dark inside the plane. I often used to raise it a little to get a glimpse of the clouds outside. Sadly nobody else seemed so curious. The LCD had a lot of channels. One of them constantly showed the plane's position on the world map. I felt elated to see my plane flying above so many countries. I was particularly thrilled when we were flying over Afghanistan and Iraq. I tried to see down through the window hoping to get a view of the barren lands and the remains of buildings destroyed during wars that are often shown on TV. But I could hardly see anything from that height. There were clouds below the plane that blocked all view. Wonder how the pilot sees the path in these murky skies.

The last line was a joke. I didn't want to put :P or :D or :) or :)) after it. Sometimes I hate using these. Perhaps it is the weakness of our writing skills that we need smileys to express emotions and fail to produce the desired effect without those.

The LCD was fully loaded with movies. I watched some good scenes of Phir Hera Pheri, and Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna by fast-forwarding, watched the 2nd half of Bhagam-Bhaag for commedy, then an episode of Friends. Drinks were served, and I had 2 Vodkas. Then I watched a very nice and senti English movie. I cannot recall its name or what it was about. All I remember is that it was very nice and senti. I also slept a little.

The flight was quite comfortable. I never felt even slight pain though I sat in the same position for so many hours. I also figured that if you put on ear-phones and continuously play some music etc., you don't get that uncomfortable feeling in the ears during the flight.

Early in the morning, the scene in the Plane was not very different from that in a Railway Train in India. People were brushing their teeth, there were queues to use the toilet, women doing make-up, kids shouting...

I once went to Chennai in a 2nd Class Railway compartment. The train was reaching Chennai early in the morning. In my comparment, most of the people even took bath in the toilets, came back in towels, did puja and then got dressed. Nowhere else does it get so crazy as it does in and around Chennai, even outside the trains.

Coming back to my Air Plane... I also freshened up early in the morning. Breakfast was served after that. The Air Hostess gave me something which looked like a Patties. I asked her what that was. She said some name. I had never heard it, nor did I understand it properly. She told me 2-3 times when I kept asking what what what. I gave up on the name and asked whether it was vegetarian. She couldn't stop herself from laughing, put the thing in my hand and went away. The thing was actually bread. It looked so weird. It had an external cover resembling that of our Cream-Roll that we get on our Railway Platforms. Can someone tell me the name of this kind of bread which, it seems, most angrej people have for breakfast?

It is tough to talk to very beautiful gals. You can avoid most of the times, but not always. Like you cannot avoid talking to an Air Hostess in an Aeroplane. She will come again and again, smile at you and ask you stuff you won't understand a word of. You will ask her to repeat. She will repeat. But that won't help a bit. You will ask again. Finally you will say a "Yes" or "No", she will do what she likes and that will settle the matter. Unless you are a gal. Gals settle matters differently.

And sometimes it gets very hard to ignore the Air Hostesses. Like whenever I am in a plane and an Air Hostess is around my seat, serving a passenger one row in front or behind and I am the next to be served, I start turning to look at her again and again just to check if she is done and is coming to me. Also to observe what others are asking for so that I have some idea of what normal people eat and drink and what things are available with the Airhostess in the first place. Sometimes, like in Air Deccan, where you have to pay if you want to have anything, I turn again and again in just preparing to say "No I don't want anything" in the right way. But my turning again and again increases her bhaav. So nowadays, I start looking out of the window or at the LCD as soon as I see an Air Hostess around and turn to her only when she calls me. But I feel guilty - she might be thinking I am eating bhaav :-(

The plane reached the London Airport at exactly 7.00 AM London-Time. I came to know that the standard time in the UK is ahead of GMT by an hour. Found just now from www.greenwichmeantime.com that British Time is 1 hour ahead of GMT during summer (March-October) and is the same as GMT during the rest of the year.


To Be Continued...

My Trip to the US - 5

Immediately after I sat in the plane, I called my Parents to tell them that I was inside the aircraft. I also called my Brother to give him a confirmation that his fundas made sense and he was right about the whole damn procedure. Also spoke to my sweet Sister to tell her that I was safely in and would eat well during the flight. And also spoke to my Jeeju to confirm to him that the whole thing was non-sense and stupid for anyone from the IITian community. (My Jeeju is also an IITian. Nothing gives more pleasure to IITians than proving to themselves that everyone else is an idiot and everything is non-sense.) Thought of calling a few girls too, but dropped the idea. I had called a couple of them while I was standing in the line for checkin. Good Friends of mine, all of them.

I am sure these Airlines allot seats such that people are not made to sit with strangers. I would want to believe that. Otherwise why would they always keep me alone at one of the corner seats? (There are 2 of them) They don't check thobdas before assigning seat numbers...do they? It might be possible...perhaps that's the reason why those hot gals at the checkin counters say hi to me with a smile and bye without any and then possibly ensure that there is no hot gal around my seat while giving me a seat number. The first 15-20 minutes after entering the plane are always spent in aticipation that some young hot gal would come and sit by my side. But another side of me, and the one which dominates my thinking more, doesn't want anyone around, coz I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting beside a hot gal anyway. And of course, I don't want a guy's company.

I have one usool. Either stay alone or with a gal. It's about room-mates. Another theory of mine says that it is very difficult to stay with a gal. So I stay alone :D Same applies to even humsafars during safars.

After I settled down a little bit, I couldn't stop wondering about where the toilet was located. i.e., Loo (- for people who don't understand or stopped understanding toilet)...Jet Airways have beautiful Air-Hostesses. They are cute, polite, sensitive, understanding, caring, emotional... uff... sorry, I got carried away in thoughts...gals!!!...what was I saying?

Haan, toilet. These Airhostesses divide the Aircraft among themselves into blocks and concentrate on their own blocks. My block had a guy too - Airhost? What do you call them otherwise? Reminds me of the movie Meet the Parents. What do u call a guy-nurse? I mean nurse sounds feminine. Airhostess is even gramatically feminine.

Sorry I get digress too much...now back again to toilet...I asked the Airhostess who serving in my side of the aircraft where the toilet was. I was surprized to find it right behind me coz as I metioned earlier, mine was the last-row-corner-seat. I felt like an abandoned passenger :-(. I examined the toilet door. It looked weird. I wondered how to open it. I pushed it. It bent at the middle and I saw where I could go inside from. Trying to postpone for future, the thought of how I would come out of the toilet, I went inside, examined the door again and found a way to latch it.

I quickly took out my comb from my pocket and ran it through my hair for 2 minutes. It was great relief. I felt better now. Decided to pee. Did it. But then, couldn't find the flush. It was a strange toilet. Everywhere, there were just symbols. I couldn't understand any of them. There was nothing written anywhere. I tried pushing whatever button-like things I could find hoping that something would burst the flush. I also started thinking what I would do if I did not find the right button. I could come out, but what if one of the Airhostesses saw me while coming out and came to know that I didn't flush the toilet. It would be embarrassing. So I kept trying. After numerous hits and trials, I got the right button. It was a wonderful flush. Unlike the western toilets everywhere in India, this one had a way of sucking the water and everything in. At that time I thought, that may be, only aeroplanes have such flushes. But later I found that that's the way flushes work everywhere in America.

I came out and sat on my seat. Mine was not the window seat, but was the one beside it. I stopped expecting someone to turn up to sit at the window. I started to check out the LCD screen at the back of the seat in front of me. I found that there was no head-phone at my seat but there was one at the window-seat. I quietly took that head-phone. Let the window-seat guy/gal get his/her own headphone from the airhostess, if at all he/she comes - I thought.

Very soon I figured out how to play the video. As I was browsing to check what all programs were available, there was an anouncement and the video changed on its own. Unlike in domestic flights, the Safety Instructions were not performed by an airhostess. Instead, a video was played on all the LCD screens. I was disappointed. I wanted to turn it off. But I couldn't. The switches and buttons don't work when something important is played for all the passengers or even when there is an announcement.

Soon, the Aeroplane took off! I did vakra tunda maha kaya, gajaanana padmaarkam and yaakundendu tushaarahaara dhawala...childhood habit :D Bye Bye India!


To Be Continued...

My Trip to the US - 4

I had read in "The Inscrutable Americans" that american shitteries(i coined this word!) don't have latches on their doors and can be opened by anyone even if someone is inside, and also that they don't have taps or any such source of water for someone to wash after shitting. Though it hasn't exactly turned out like that, I will talk about my shitting experiences later in detail...(Aren't you curious :P)... As I started from India, I wasn't sure how I was going to manage that sort of shitteries. So I emptied myself well at home before starting so as to avoid it for as long as possible. Also since the journey was long - 30 hours, it was good to take that precaution coz who knew how things were going to be on the way?

So as I stood in the line soon after I entered the Airport, many questions loomed in my mind. During the drive from Pune to Mumbai, Sylvia had mentioned that these days passengers are asked to take off their shoes during the security check. And I was wearing torn socks, that stinked as well. Actually I had washed and got ready 3 good pairs of socks for my trip. I was going to wear one of them during the travel and put the remaining 2 in the bag. But by mistake I had put all 3 in the bag while packing. And so when I was wearing my shoes just before starting for Mumbai, I realized I didn't have any good pair of socks to wear and so I wore the one I had been wearing for office for a few weeks. They were torn at the thumb (pair ka angootha) and stank, but I thought - kya farq padta hai, who'd smell my socks...

But now it seemed I would run into problems. I didn't want to open the suitcase and take out a pair and change my socks at the airport. I had placed the socks below everything else. So I didn't want to make a mess of it at the airport. I had mentioned to my Sister and Jiju and they'd suggested that I take off the socks and wear the shoes directly. Not a bad idea, but I didn't want to do that unless that was inevitable, coz even those torn socks seemed good enough to wear a lot of times for office etc. I mean unless u go to a place where you have to take off your shoes, how does it matter what kind of socks you are wearing. They are hardly visible. Of course, you do need to keep washing them before they smell a lot.

The line moved ahead. I dumped my luggage for scanning when my turn came. I collected the bags, put them back on the trolley and started looking for the guy who was in front of me in the line. I found him. He was standing in another line. So I went and joined him in the same line. This time there was an old lady standing in front with a fat kid. I tried to apply common sense, looked around and found written somewhere that it was the line for checkin for the Jet Airways flight 9W 0120 to London. During Checkin, the luggage is weighed and sent inside - taken away from you. If you exceed the weight limit, you may be asked to pay for the extra baggage. And in the end you are given a boarding pass.

I tried talking to the old lady standing in front of me in the line. I said - "It's such a long line. HaHa" She replied in a pakka British accent. I don't remember what she said. Then I also gave her some fundas that it always happens that whenever you reluctantly stand in a line that is very long, you find that nobody comes behind you for a long time. Don't know whether she could make any sense out of what I said. She smiled and started looking somewhere else.

My turn for checkin came. A beautiful girl sitting at the counter smiled at me, checked my passport and tickets and gave me my boarding pass after verifying that my luggage was within the weight limit. I asked her where I had to check out my luggage - London, Chicago or Cincinnati. This question had been haunting me for the past many days. She told me that I had to check it out at Chicago - the port of entry for me into the US and then check it back into the flight for Cincinnati and then check it out again at Cincinnati.

I smiled back at her, collected the boarding pass and asked her where I needed to go next. She pointed in one direction and asked me to turn right from there. I did that. There were a few counters where my visa was checked and my boarding pass was stamped.

That was it. I was ready to board the flight. I couldn't believe that it was just 3 simple steps. I went in the direction the guy at the counter pointed to and reached the gate where I had to wait for boarding the flight. There was a security check at the gate where I underwent some talaashi and my hand-baggage was scanned. I feared that I might be asked to take off my shoes here, but that didn't happen.

I didn't have to wait for boarding the flight, coz the boarding had already started. I directly went stood in the line of the passengers boarding the flight and within seconds, I was inside the plane - last row corner seat!


To Be Continued...

My Trip to the US - 3

I carried my Passport, the e-Ticket and the Invitation Letter (from our American Client) in my hand as I entered through the Airport Gate. The security guard checked my passport and the e-Ticket and let me in. First Hurdle Crossed - I said to myself. I don't know why, but I couldn't help thinking of the whole journey form India to the US (never forget the definite article here) as a series of hurdles that I had to cross. It was there all the time - consciously, unconsciously, subconsciously - in various forms. It may be because of the way we are made to see life. It may be because of the way our education system breaks down the growing-up phase of our lives. It may be an attitude problem - viewing goals as hurdles because of a negative outlook...like seeing a glass half empty when it is also half full.

I saw a long line right in front of me as soon as I entered. I wasn't sure what I had to do. I had travelled a few times in domestic flights before, and knew roughly about what all one had to go through before boarding a flight. But the terminology and sequence always confuse me. And though in each trip I try to clear some of those confusions, they come back the next time. My memory is not consistent in all areas. It is extremely good in a few and extremely bad in the rest. And since this one was an international flight, I was apprehensive that even the terminology, procedure and sequence were going to be all different.

Sometimes I seriously doubt my intelligence, smartness, whatever. Everyone else seems so cool about the whole damn "Check-In". It feels like I am the only one who sees bloody hurdles everywhere. I guess I need to work on it. This trip is changing a lot in me. Will write some of it later...and some more of it much much later, when I am sure I won't be screwed if one of them reads it.

I realized that the best thing to figure out the formalities to be completed before boarding the flight is to follow the crowd. Do what everyone else is doing, and you don't have to worry about anything, unless something screws up. Just make sure you are with the right crowd i.e., the one for your flight. I often do that, but then I put my dimaag once in a while and look like an embarrassed confused idiot to everyone around. Perhaps I think too much. Who in that huge mass of strangers would care to form an opinion about my looks and actions? Well, ever since this hair went off, I cannot help getting nervous about silly things. I need to work on this too. It's amazing how much psychological damage hair-loss can do to you. You can't imagine unless you have gone through it.

As we got into this hair topic, I got reminded of something I would like to talk about. Lately, the hair on my head has reached a very low density level. I have been pretending to be ignoring it for some time now. Ever since my head started showing drastic signs of baldness - and that was exactly 9 years back - I have been wanting to shave off the hair. Something stops me from doing it. May be it is a stupid love for what remains, or may be it is just a fear of the embarrassment the acceptance of being bald to the world and most importantly to myself might cause. Numerous times I have almost been to a barber's shop to get it all shaved and dropped the idea right before the implementation stage. During one such occasion I bought the Brylcream-Strong-Hair-Gel as a consolation for having failed to execute the hair-shave-off-plan. That was during my first year at college. The gel turned out to be my hair's best friend for a long time. It was wonderful. It kept the hair stiff and well-set and exactly how I combed and set it and stayed like that for a long time. I loved it. But over the last few days in college and thereafter, my hair fell more and is now too little to look ok even with gel.

Ever since I came to know that I was going to the US, I set a deadline to shave off all the hair before leaving India. That didn't work out because of the above reasons. And now as I am in the US, though I do think of changing my look every now and then by emptying the top floor of whatever remains, I have another deadline set - to do it soon after I go back to India. You can't imagine to what extent I plan things which I finally don't do. For example, right now I am planning to get it shaved before reaching my home at Pune. But am really confused whether to do it in Mumbai or in Pune. If my company sends a vehicle to bring me from Mumbai Airport to my house at Pune, I will get it done after dumping my luggage in the house and without any one of my friends seeing me before I clean my head. How's that?

This reminds me of another kissa. It happened at Dr.Batra's Positive Health Clinic. In one of my monthly visits, I asked Dr.Archana whether "shaving off my head" would help.

Well, I guess I will talk about what happened at the Airport in my next post...

To Be Continued...

My Trip to the US - 2

I normally prefer carrying very little luggage when I go out - just the bare necessities. And so I don't need much time for packing. I generally do it in the night before the journey. It was the same case this time as well. I did buy one of those huge bags with wheels which most people do before they go to the US. Though mine wasn't so huge, it was pretty big by my standards. I still bought it, because my company was paying for it, and because I felt that to stay in the US for six weeks, I would need to carry more clothes than I usually do.

I washed all my clothes and got them pressed too, well beforehand. Packing was easy. I made sure I didn't forget the underworld and all the clothes, the books to study for the exam I am going to write here in the US on the 2nd of June, all the things which one of my collegues, who was already in the US, had asked me to get for him from India, my passport, the eTickets - 2 copies, Invitation letter from our client - 2 copies, the destination address in the US - 2 copies, my cell phone - fully charged and with all necessary numbers needed in case of emergency during the trip, the dollars my company gave me to carry along, etc. etc.

My company had booked space in a KK-Travels (also known as JJ-Travels sometimes - I never understood the connection) vehicle that picks up people from Pune and takes them to Mumbai International Airport. They also bring people back. Will get it booked while returning back to Pune.

It was May 04th - 2007. The vehicle that came was a Qualis. And it came an hour late. Thank God, I had planned to reach Mumbai Airport 7 hours before the flight departure time. Firstly the qualis came late by an hour, then the traffic in Mumbai and my own miscalculation about when I'd reach the Mumbai Airport led to a further delay. And I actually reached the airport only 4.5 hours before the departure time.

The qualis trip from Pune to Mumbai was a memorable one. There were only 2 passengers - an old lady and me. Her name was Sylvia. She had been in the US for the past 10 years. She stayed in New Jersy. Her daughter worked in New York and used to travel daily from New Jersy by train (first by car to the train-station). She was a nice person and spoke good english. Her legs were weak and she walked with a great difficulty.

The qualis was without an AC and it was a very hot afternoon. As usual I adjusted. It didn't even strike me that I could fight with the driver for not bringing a vehicle with an AC. Actually somewhere deep down, I was not sure whether I deserved one at the price I was going to pay. (This is funny but this is how my mind works.) When I cribbed mildly about the heat to the lady, she told me how much she had faught before they picked me up, about why a vehicle with AC was not sent for her and that the KK Travels guy had apologized to her but didn't do anything to fix things. Fighting against injustice is so important. You keep adjusting to what you get, you will always get less than what you might deserve. But for that you should have a clear and fair idea of what returns you deserve at your level of investment. And if you don't, you will end up creating disturbance in a smooth pattern of things. Some people don't bother about the disturbance they might end up causing, since in the end, they will know what is their fair share. I think they are fully justified. And of course if you do it with vinamrata, there will be no disturbance and you will only gain. So what if you look foolish 50% of the times initially. In the end, you will slowly reach a state where you will be fully clear of where you stand. But for some people, looking foolish is too big a blow to their egos. They never get rid of their foolishness in trying to avoid looking foolish.

The qualis stopped once at a Food Mall near Lonavla. I had Pani Puri there - last time. I am missing it so much. Not a day passed without Pani Puri when I was in India, and now, it's 24 days already. Sylvia got 2 samosas packed for her - for dinner. The flight was in the mid-night and she was travelling alone.

Sylvia told me that she was a Puneri and had spent most of her life at Pune and Mumbai. She also gave me her telephone number - the one in New Jersy, which I stored in my mobile phone. I later lost that mobile phone in the US and lost Sylvia's number too.

We reached the Mumbai International Airport around 8.30 PM. Sylvia stood in line for going inside immediately since hers was a British Airways flight, about an hour before mine - the Jet Airways flight, both to London. After I got my bill from the KK-Travels guy which I'd submit later in my office for reimbursement, I stood outside Gate-2, which is the entry for Jet Airways flights to London. I saw Sylvila sitting down close to her luggage, waiting to enter. It was the entrypoint for British Airways flights too. I stood at a little distance waiting for my Sister, Brother and Brother-in-Law who were coming to see me off.

They came. As usual, my sister found me much fatter than last time. We went to a restaurant close to the Airport to have dinner. Took a photo there. Then came back running, coz I was a little worried how the pre-flight process would go. Before entering, I hugged all of them. This was a very special moment. I had never hugged my sister and brother before.

As I enetered the Airport through the Gate, I had a strange feeling... I knew, I was stepping into an unknown world... I realized it was too late to stop or walk backwards...


To Be Continued...

My Trip to the US - 1

It was not so much the excitement about going to the United States as was the anxiety and fear of going, living and working in a totally new place that fully occupied my mind for the one week before I started from India. I am so myself when I have to take decisions, when I have to make choices. And the last one week before the journey, my mental circuits were totally jammed with all sides of me trying to gain control, sending vibes, each of which shook my entire brain.

A friend of mine, who claims to be good at palmistry, the knowledge he purports to have acquired by reading many books and analysing many "cases", once read my hand and told me that I'd never enter a foreign country. Well, palmists always have an excuse - your fate will change if you try hard enough, and that will be reflected in your lines as well. I don't know if my lines have changed. And I also don't know if the change of fate is just because somebody wrote "The World is Flat" after the guy read my hand which totally changed the definitions of the word "foreign".

A couple of months back, I was told that I'd be given an opportunity to travel to the US, to visit our client's office at Milford in Ohio. I always thought I wouldn't go. I hoped to do something big so that I cud proudly and safely reject the US-visit opportunity. It is amazing how the mind starts convincing itself of the perfectness of its present state just to keep itself away from a change - the bigger the worse - finding excuses not to allow you to venture into unexplored territories, giving reasons every moment why your comfort zone should be your zone for life. Yet the irony is, the moment it tries to settle for the comfort zones, it starts feeling choked, it is in pain, and wants to break free of its own barriers. It feels weak, though it is not, coz it doesn't know its strength. It has to push itself each moment, overcome the barriers of fear and uncertainty. And each moment of exploration gives it a relief, an assurance, a satisfaction, some air to breathe. And the next moment is no different, unless the mind stops trying to explore.

The preparations for the trip started with the application for VISA - a short visit Business VISA - B1. I attended the interview for VISA at the American Consulate in Mumbai. VISA applications do get rejected. So people wish each other "all-the-best" before their interviews. My application had a very little chance of rejection since my company was one of the few indian companies whose VISA applications are processed faster and with fewer rejections. A blue eyed American Woman asked me a few questions like - Why are going to the US - Who is your Client - For how long are you going - How much is your salary. I answered all her questions - with answers I had prepared well, thanks to my company's Travel-Desk. I was trained to give the right answers with the right level of confidence. That was my first experience of talking to an American. (My client is an Indian settled in America.) I found that they speak clearly and loudly, and even end the sentences at an equal volume, often streching them. I don't know the reason, but we indians complete our sentences in our mouths, as if we are ashamed of letting them out loudly.

To Be Continued...

Baje Sargam Har Taraf Se...

As Mid-Night Hot got too hot for the Information and Broadcasting Ministry, many of my friends have been forced to switch back to Sun TV for mid-night entertainment and artistic pursuits. It is unfortunate that the I&B finds the skimpily dressed FTV models as "offensive content". These I&B people don't understand art. How boring are calenders with only dates to look at. Flowers and sceneries don't make them interesting either. So fashion photographers take pains to shoot damsels and put them on calenders, just so that our dates look interesting. And showing them on TV makes it so easy for us to watch directly in our homes what we otherwise could only see on Hindu temples, our cultural heritage. And why appreciate stones when you have live images to adore. It seems like everything past is to be respected as culture and everything present is scorned as obscenity. What about future? Possibly 2000 years later these FTV videos will be a part of our cultural heritage and will be seen with great respect!

And those Lingerie shows impart valuable education about female undergarments (Though I admit that quite often I totally miss them and watch something else...slippery eyes...Phisalti Nazar...blame it on genes...God is a naughty programmer!). I think all guys need such education. It is very important for sexual equality and mutual understanding. If Amul Macho is Crafted for Fantasies, then...hm...hm...well I don't even know one Lingerie brand :-( Ye to bada Toin Hai X-(.

Reality shows are very popular these days on Indian Television. They make good money too. So what if each one of them is a copy of what's already shown on some western channel? We have concocted our own recipes for their success - 2 item number gals bitching against each other, one bhojpuri hero, a few flop bollywood stars trying to stake their claim to fame and a filmy setting. Yes, our reality shows get more filmy than real. And of course by filmy we mean aamchi Bollywood, Tollywood, Kollywood, etc. etc. Not Hollywood because filmy when used for Hollywood has a different meaning altogether. It often sounds more real than our reality shows.

One reason why reality shows are not able to sustain their popularity for long is that the Indian viewers miss the visual and musical effects which they enjoy so much in the TV serials. A face turning thrice with dhan dhan dhan of all instruments strummed together in the background and someone shouting the aaaaaaa of the so called classical music work best at expressing the intensity and depth of Indian emotions and bring tears in the eyes of many ladies. And who doesn't love to see ladies fighting with each other? The serials offer that in plenty. In reality shows they are always a little less jhhagdaaloo since they have their careers and image at stake.

Indian producers have a bad habit of getting repetitive. The success of KBC provoked them to start more shows like it. None worked. Even KBC has stopped working. Shahrukh's fake Thanda Thanda Kewl Kewl smiles could not attract viewers. There are many imitations of Indian Idol on various channels. None worked. Even Indian Idol 2 flopped. Most of the winners of these contests are lost in oblivion. Like the Viva gals, who vanished after Hum Naye Geet Sunayein and Jaago Zara. And a few like Sunidhi Chauhan and the Laughter Kings write their success stories by leveraging the opportunities the successes in these contests offer. An opportunity to be Crorepati by answering 15 questions is more than enough to lure the hundreds of millions of people who comprise the Indian middle class. Then there are shows like Nach Baliye with TV-Star-Couples fighting against each other. Since shows like these don't offer any opportunity for the viewers to participate and get rich & famous, these shows have limited success. It's definitely interesting to see our favourite stars try to show their real capabilities rather than those of the characters they play in the Serials. But then, it cannot be interesting and appealing for long. Beyond a certain point, every viewer asks herself/himself - why should I care?

If that is the state of our Entertainment channels, our News channels are not far behind. In fact there is a slow diffusion of News and Entertainment. Gone are the days of DD when a video used to appear out of nowhere in a box that contained the DD logo just to the left of the news-reader. That was magic for me, during my childhood days. News is different nowadays. The news-readers don't just read news. They ask questions to people in those boxes, listen to the answers and ask more questions. It seems they now understand what they read. A lot is done impromptu unlike the old times. This has had two negative effects, besides a few positive ones we don't want to get into. One - the language is no more the perfect-to-each-word kind. In fact it is molested big time, particularly in the Hindi News Channels. Two - the content and the way it is handled often gets pretty funny.

A popular joke about Indian News Channels goes like this - a guy charged with murder is being hanged. Our samwaad-data is standing by his side with a mike in hand. Now the bakwaas goes like this: Mai abhi uss sthaan-a par-a khada hoon jahaan Kaalia ko phaansi di jaa rahi hai. Aaiye Kaaliya se poochte hain wo kaisa mehsoos karr rahe hain is waqt. Kaaliya refuses to speak, and the scene is pulled back to the box by the left of the news-reader. This gives the news-reader a chance to ask her questions. It would be anything stupid like - Kaaliya ham-a jaanna chahte hain ki aapne aaj subah kya kiya. It doesn't matter. Possibly these news-readers are paid purely based on the number of questions they ask.

And the correspondents, it seems, are paid for bringing breaking-news. It's normally the same accross all channels and has to be something spicy by definition. The recent one, for days and weeks, has been anything related to Aish-Abhi marriage. Another was that Richard Gere gave pappies in public to our very own Shilpa aunty and she enjoyed them and that it had offended the sentiments of Indians. It had to. Public display of affection is totally against Indian culture - so say some learned Hindus. They should get it removed from orkut also as a possible turn-on. At least for all Indian orkutters. Nothing should tempt our playful hormones.

The quality of news has deteriorated. Most of the time the news we are given is not at all the news that matters. Perhaps our news channels are not mature enough to handle 24 hours of news coverage. They often end up relegating items of prime importance, just like what our news-papers do. Probably they assume that Indian audience is too dumb. I guess most news-papers too in India have similar opinions about Indian readers. Added to that, most of our english language news-papers propagate incorrect english and deprecated Victorian usages which the Britishers taught our baniyas and clerks to write applications, letters and reports. Things will get funnier and less meaningful with time if we don't immediately bring in professional standards into our news coverage. It is time that our news-media realized the huge responsiblity associated with their job. The billion people in India deserve a much more mature level of awareness.

Media is like an orchestra. It has musicians, singers, composers, directors, and instruments. We have all of them, and in plenty. We know the notes, yet we play the wrong tunes at times. We have all the instruments, yet we are not always sure how to play them. Our choir sings, but is not directed well. Our composers are confused in their choices of pitch and scale. It's a phase every orchestra passes through. It can't help the noise that accompanies the music that it plays. What matters is how it recovers from it and grows itself in a responsible way. Perhaps each new step has such a phase of irresponsible and immature choices associated with it. Sometimes, such phases take very long to be overcome. But finally, music has the power to teach its composer how to bring it out into the world. It finds its own medium to spread itself.