My Cartoon

I got this Broadband connection from Iqara. Weird name, isn't it? Lots of weird things are happening these days.

For instance, every time I boot my computer, the date/time is reset to 01/01/2000 00.00 AM. I am fed up of this. I told this to Manis, the Man, the Machine, the Computer Science Engineer. He thought for a moment and then he had the reason on top of his head. The date at the Bios had got erased, and had to be set. And I also came to know that even the hardware has got a date associated with it. Lots of things. And Manis found it funny that I didn't know all this. Do other normal people really know? Where am I living?

My friend Koushi finds it weird that I like Austin Powers Movies. They're cool aren't they? I mean if people can like James Bond, what's wrong with Austin Powers? He seems 22 times smarter to me.

Let me tell you about this artist I met yesterday at the Pune Airport. Well, he looked like a talented person. He sits there at the Airport entrance, and does your carricature for 70 bucks. I watched him draw a nice one for a kid, right in front of me. The pic he drew was very cute and funny. I got an !dea. You know, an !dea can change u'r life. I thougt I'd get my carricature done, and put that on Orkut. Shayad better thobda dikhe usme.

I went to him, pushing the crowd aside. Asked him to draw my "cartoon". He asked me whether I wanted it to be funny. I smiled and said - "Very Funny Man!!!". He looked at me with mischievous eyes. I should have understood then only. But I was concentrating on giving the right pose. The 5 minutes that he took were the most wonderful moments of my life. I was feeling like a Mughal Emporor posing for a portrait after coming back from shikaar. Sandeep and Ravi were busy photographing me with their cell phones. And I was sitting like a statue. The cartoonist occasionally asked me to smile. I had a very odd feeling when he did that. It was as if you are a guy and you are having a "complete" medical checkup just before joining TCS, and the doc asks you to pull down your pants, also your under-pants, then turn your head to your left, keep looking up and cough 3 times, while he watches u'r...you know what :-)...through a hand-lens...

Anyway, at the end of 5 minutes the cartoonist gave me the typical vaishi-darinda-waaalaa smile. I was scared. I ran to him to see what he had done to my thobda. He had made an awful image of mine. Starting from the top, he did a terrible naainsaafi to my hair. I was ganja to the extent that I see in dreams that wake me up at mid-nights with a loud "NNNNNAAAAAIII". He also screwed up my glasses, but those were really looking funny. Both my eye-balls were moved to the right. I didn't know why. I asked him. He said I was looking towards the right when he was drawing the eyes. Damn it, I recalled, I couldn't help seeing that chik who was passing by while I was posing for the cartoon. Uski ye sazaa mili. He drew a nice smile for me. Well, my smile is indeed nice...no kidding...

I was the most disappointed person on earth, when Sandeep and Ravi both agreed with the cartoonist that I looked exactly like that idiot in the cartoon. I protested. Yaar at least I have more hair. I am not so bald. Sandeep smiled. The cartoonist looked at my head and said nothing...turned his head the other side and laughed. I knew what this meant. I have often seen my barber laugh like this when I ask him not to cut much hair on the top, but to concentrate on the sides and the back. Ravi was not bothered at all. He was busy checking out some hot babes.

I realized that I look horrible.

Looks are not important, are they? It's the beauty of the heart that matters...shit, this doesn't make me happy :-(
Anyway, chek out the cartoon.........and put in u'r comments...

American Cleints

Working with American Clients is not easy, particularly if yours is a Software Company. The worst part is having to sit for late at night in the office. There are some good parts as well, though. You get a lot of free time during the day. This allows a lot of time for net-surfing and blogging. And you have calls everyday, where you get to speak with some Amrican Baaboos.

I sometimes feel pity for these Americans. Anyone who has interacted with these clients would know how scared a breed they are. But for the cost advantage, who wud trust us Indians? Particularly after the kind of dubious way most of us answer their questions in calls, in broken Desi accents which even we find hard to understand. Just talk to yourself and you'll know. The confusion in our minds reflects in our words too. Interestingly we are less confused a lot when we think in Hindi, or say our first languages. I think the command of a person on a particular language reflects his/her clarity of thought in that language. And that forces me to believe that one is not equally clear in his/her thought process at all times. It really depends on what language he/she is thinking in.

No wonder Indian women, particularly the city-bred, are so confused. Most of them, if not all, force themselves to make english their first language. But the first language is really decided in the preliminary years of one's adolescence. That's when you start thinking, and that's when you think best. You pick up the first language and start thinking in it. It is really your “first” in that sense, and it will always be. You cannot, at a later stage, give that status to any other language. And if you try to, you would unknowingly affect your thought process.

Coming back to the American clients...

Though there are a lot of ways in which we Indians suffer at their hands, it is equally true that even the Americans don't have a very rosy time with us. And I get a weird pleasure when I see them worried and helpless in having to depend on us for all their businesses to run. The other day, someone was saying that the worst fear of an American Computer guy is that of getting Bangalored. And there are other less prettily-named fears too, some emerging and some already quite strong - chennaied, puneid, hyded, noidaed, and within a year, we might have Bengaluroood...

I hope some day in the near future we could all turn our focus to the Indian Industry, create software that would help our own businesses run, and equally important, the Indian Industry - Manufacturing, Finance, Healthcare, Agriculture, etc etc - grows mature enough to leverage our very own potential in IT...that's my dream...and I am sure, of millions of Indians too...Let us all strive to make that a reality...

cANt tHINK oF aN aPPROPRIATE tITLE

You know how wonderful it is to Integrate ProIntralink with Ematrix? I am doing it these days, and I am having a wonderful time. Now if any gal asks me “How is Work”, I have an answer. Coz now there is both force  and displacement!!!

 

Thousands of years back some homo sapien thought that all humans must work and earn their food. It was a very intelligent thought. And so everyone agreed to it. And implemented it. I wonder whether it happened before money was invented or after.  The barter system was simple. But there was need for a standard in terms of which everything could be assigned a value. The concept of money, therefore, was a very intelligent thought. Whoever had it first was definitely a genius. But work is hard to think of without money being there. Money has become so intergral to our lives that we cannot imagine how humans lived when there was no money.

 

Yesterday, I was having dinner at Delhi Chat Ghar with my gang. I had one Alu ka Paratha and one Alu-Pyaz ka Paratha. Both were very tasty. I also had a plate of Pani-Puri. Even that was tasty. I also hit-the-line (Line maara) to a ladki. She got scared. I enjoyed it. HiHiHaHa!!!

 

These days we are eating out, since the Baai we had hired for cooking at Manis-Villa cooks pathetic food. And there are deadly cockroaches also to share the food with us in Manis’ kitchen. So I opted out. And Manis’ dimaag did a jack-n-jill and he refused to let the baai-stuff continue in his house. So we eat outside now. Sometimes at Bala, sometimes at Delhi Chat Ghar, sometimes at Swaad, and sometimes, we don’t eat. Waise today we are going for a treat. Daaru-Shaaru-n-Masala-Papad!!!

 

Duniya mein do tarah ke keede hote hain…First wala kida homework finish karke timepass karta hai…Second wala kida homework finish nai karta hai, aur timepass karta hai…First wala kida exam mein first aata hai…aur second wala kida exam mein fail ho jata hai…

 

These days, I spend most of my time in the office...working...seriously, God Promise. I have a boss. His name is Tushar Kapoor (Name Changed). Saalaa, doesn't trust me at all. Thinks I am a fool. Most people seem to think so about me. Don't know why. Anyway, I have got used to it now. Even Kareena thinks so, and Priyanka too. Only Mallika Sherawat thinks I'm a genius.

 

I tried my luck in a lot of MBA entrance exams this year. Only one called me for GD/PI. Wonderful!!! That was MICA - the Mudra Institute of Communications, Ahmedabad. Wonder why they want to be named like a mineral, normally the city-name is not appended with such acronyms. Still, I am thankful to them that they honored my 1300 bucks and called me to see my face and presented me with an opportunity to shell out 500 more. No wonder, they finally did kick my ass, like all the rest wherever I'd applied. I'm thankful also because they gave me a chance to meet Dalzene, the wonder-gal!!! (wow, that sounds like "Tarzan, the wonder-car"). Wo ek thande hawa ke jhhonke kee tarah aayi aur sab kuch garam karke chalee gayee...

 

Anyway, I am not going to write about my GD/PI experiences here. Nor about Dalz (that's how her boy-friend used to call her, saala lotimoor-ka-chaddu (I coined this gaali from Motichoor-ka-Laddu (Nice Na?))). Soniya Gandhi resigned from Lok Sabha. Sushmita Sen broke up with Randeep Hooda. I am not interested in all this shit. What happened to the Mittal-Arcelor episode? And will GSSL reach the $100m target?

 

Deepal Shaw visited the Byculla Jail recently "to interact with the prisoners and add some colour to their dull lives". Kya baat hai!!! Life, which is not even yours is not a dead canvas which you can color by painting it the way you like. And what makes u think that u’r presence is so colorful. Most gals have this mis-conception about themselves. "I wanted them to relate to me as Deepal and not Deepal Shaw", she says. "For a while I forgot all my worries and pain" - well, you see more pain, you forget your own. Nice way to de-pain oneself. And you have your name in the papers too.

 

Rajesh Shaw, a very painful guy from Kolkata. Not a bengali.

 

Saala kya bol rela hai apun??? Dimmaag Sattak Gayela hai saala…

I am a Software Engineer

I am a Software Engineer

IT Experience: 1.5 year

Computer Skills: Java, J2EE, SQL, HTML, XML

OS/Environment: Windows 98/2000/XP/NT, Linux

PDM Packages: EMatrix (Integrations, VCP Applications)

Application Servers: WebSphere, WebLogic

Web Servers: Tomcat

IDE: Eclipse, WebSphere Studio

This is a direct copy-paste from my latest resume. I maintain 3 copies of it. One in doc format, one in pdf and one in txt.

Working in a Software Company is a very difficult task. For Civil Engineers like me, it’s more difficult than drawing a Bending Moment Diagram of a rectangular beam rigidly fixed at its two ends. But we consistently keep Building the Resume, as they say in Software circles…

A few days back, I was asked to write “a servlet that periodically pings a remote servlet, reads the response each time, and stops pinging once the response contains a particular string”. It was a mammoth task for me. Firstly because in my 1.5 year long stint as a Software Engineer, I had never written code from scratch. And secondly….well…there was no second reason…

I immediately googled, read some tutorials on servlets and was ready with the basic structure of the servlet in a few hours. And thereafter, all that I needed to do was to fill the required masala inside to add the desired functionality to the servlet…which I did, with the help of my boss. And finally, by EOD, the servlet was ready, to ping another servlet…and wow, it was actually pinging…ping…ping…ping…dhishoommmmm!!!!

I was very happy with my achievement…so much that I immediately called 3 gals one by one…office fone, local calls FREE…yippeeee!!! I told them about the wonderful servlet that “I wrote all by myself”. Chameli got so excited, she started jumping on her seat (she works in Wipro, our neighbouring company). Radhika said, she’d never thought such a servlet was possible, and accepted that I was a genius and not an idiot-stupid-non-sense-dumd-ass which she always called me and, god-promise, she loved to call me that. Draupadi was so impressed, she wanted to meet me that very evening over a cup of coffee to discuss her issues with, guess who, her boy-friend Duryodhan. God, these gals!!!

Thanks to the company that pays me for timepass, Algebraic Hardware Problems Unlimited (name changed for obvious reasons), I have 1.5 year experience in Software Engineering. Add to it my IIT BTech degree...and lo...I am highly valued in the IT job market!!! Some day I will do great stuff...Must be true!!! Afterall CMM-Level-5 companies think so...

Every morning I receive calls from chiks:

Chik: Sir this is Ruby calling from nutrino HR consultants, Sir. We have found your resume in one of the job-sites, Sir. Sir, are you looking for a change Sir???

I say yes, she tells me about a few openings. Then I crack some stupid joke, she laughs (happens in 90% cases...seriously, genuine laugh, no kidding). Then i hear a mmmmuuuaaah, she doesn’t say it. Then I say ki dear, I am not interested. She asks for references of my friends who might be interested. I give her Raamkhilaavan’s cell number. She thanks me twice...and then, it’s Raamkhilaavan’s turn to have fun J . Ab ye mat kehna ke saalaa frustiyaa gaya hai...jao pehle uss aadmi ka sign le kar aao jisne IIT jaisi ghinauni cheez banaayi...

Din ki shuruaat acchi ho to poora din accha guzartaa hai - baba Raamdev once told me in a dream. And I am his sincere disciple...ab mai chala kaam karne...dekhein kaun kaun online hai...great, Miss Paro is there...waiting to be pinged...ping…ping…ping…dhishoommmmm!!!!

LaajVanti

I fell in love with LaajVanti, the most beautiful girl in my class, kaksha chauthi, Dakshin Poorva Railway Aangla Madhyamik Shaala, Bilaspur. I decided that I would propose to her. But before that, I wanted to have a talk with Mr. Sandy Word, the person to get in touch with for any councelling in female matters. I felt, even girls could approach him for advice, as he seemed to know more about girls than girls themselves. He was a genius in handling female issues. No wonder he had failed twice in chauthi kakshaaa....

That day Sandy was sitting on the last bench, as usual, maaroing line, to the last bench waali chik. It was the short recess at 10.30. I had 10 minutes to talk to him. I had planned to propose Laajo during the long-recess at 1.00.

As I went near him, Sandy gave me that arrogant look, which all babe-lucky guys give to poor souls like me. I sat by his side and began....

Me: Oye Sandy, yaar I think I am in love.

Sandy: Abe kat le. Tu kya jaane pyar kya hota hai? Unse poocho jo dil jalaaye baithe hain naazneenon ki khaatir. (he said looking at that last bench waali chik. She smiled, and started shaking her legs and chanting la la la. I didn't understand sex at that time...but Sandy whispered into my ear that this meant sexual invitation from her!!!)

I was getting mad. 2 minutes lost already.

Me: Abe, Dekh, I am thinking of proposing to laajo today.

Sandy: Hey dude, hold on, why do you think you love her?

Me: I think about her all the time. If I close my eyes, it's her face that comes to my mind. Her smile makes me crazy. Her eyes and the spects over them....her ears and ear-rings...her neck and the necklace...her nose and the nostrils...her shoes and her socks...her tunic and her shirt...her tie and her belt...I love everything about her...the way she walks, talks, eats, drinks, laughs, plays, dances, sings...I just love her...

Sandy: Whoops!!! So we have a majnu out here...eh? Aisa hai to mai rokoonga nahi...tu jaa, keh de usse dil kee baat...but dekh, style hona mangta hai...verna wohi wo saala, bomb ban ke....BOOMMMM....

I didn't understand what he meant. But he seemed to approve of my plan. So I decided to go ahead with it...

It was 1.00. The bell rang...bole to long-recess began. Laajo immediately went out of the class. I ran after her. She was going towards the girls-toilet...I wanted to catch her before she could go inside...I ran...then I shouted...“Laaajoooooo“...wow, that was just like Shahrukh khaan shouting “Anjaleeeeee“ in kuch kuch hota hai...but I felt good. I was gaining confidence...She stopped at the toilet door. I went nearer.

Laajo: what?

Me: Laajo, I wanted to talk to you.

Laajo: Haan bolo...

Laajo was vigorously shaking her legs...I wondered whether that was sexual invitation or she was struggling to control the susu. But I preferred the former possibility, as that made me feel good.

Me: Laajo, I have to tell you  something.

Laajo: Arey, jaldi bolo....what's the matter with you idiot?

I was sweating all over, and she was getting uneasy too. May be it was actually the susu. But I was going to say it...come what may...

I sat on my knees and began...

Me: Laajo, I love you. Tumhare baghair jeena kya, jeene ka khwaab bhee nahi dekh sakta. Saanson ke bina shayad kuch pal mai jee sakta hoon, lekin tumhare bina nahi. Tum, haan tum wo pehli ladki ho jise mai zindagi se badhkar chaahne laga hoon. Mera aaj mera kal, mere din mere pal sirf tumhare dum se hain. Meri pooja mein, meri duaaon mein, meri khaamoshiyon mein meri sadaaon mein, sirf tum ho, sirf tum. Taare toot jaayenge, chaand bujhh jaayega, waqt yaheen thahar jaayega, lekin ummeed kee aakhri kiran bujhne tak, aakhri saans chalne tak, mai tumhara raasta dekhoonga, tumhara intazaar karoonga...haan Laajo, mai tumhara intazaar karoonga.....

wow, finally I said it, and in style too!!!

Laajo: So what are you gonna do? Marry me?

I was surprized at her cold reaction. And I was surprized at her question too. I had never thought about it. Marriage???? Is it possible at this age??? O my god, am I supposed to marry her now, and have kids and stuff???? They shit I clean...go office and work, earn money...no play...and no summer vacations...This is awful...Do I really love her??? She's not that cute anyway...I am such a cool kid...and I always come first...

Me: How can I marry, I am just a kid. And I am not sure whether I love you...

She slapped me hard and ran into the girls' toilet.

One should never stop a girl when she is on her way to the toilet.

try...

try driving a bike on a highway at <=40kmph.
try proposing to someone u hate.
try writing a poem and publishing it.
try reading a romantic novel (one of those girlie ones).
try buying a pet and make sure that its alive by the end of the week(like a puppy/cat/parrot).
try watching hum aapke hain kaun continuously 3 times.
try making a portrait of the person u love.
try eating things which u've always hated.
try getting drunk to u'r limit, and then call u'r mom.
try giving a rose to u'r boss on her b'day.
try singing aloud when there's perfect silence in the office.
try laughing for no reason when some serious discussion is going on.
try watching kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thhi and then try discussing with u'r room-mate why tulsi did whatever she did.
try coming from office to home on foot particularly when it takes 2 hours to walk the distance and 15 mins on a vehicle.
try replying in hindi to whatever the gal u are talking to says in english. (seriously, i believe if there were no gals in india, nobody wud have spoken english).
try telling u'r mom about how sexy priyanka chopra looks.
try counting the stars from the reference frame of the moon (hmm, whatever that means).
try talking in english even to a beggar in chennai (actually there is no other option).
try cautioning someone having a pulsar to be careful coz its huge tank can hit u there.
try laughing when a gal cracks a joke.
try going out with a gal on a long walk and at everything she says, reply with "to mai kya karoon?" (gals expect u to keep listening......u don't need to react....listening alone makes them happy.....in fact reacting can screw up things....personal experience).
try looking into the eyes of any gal and saying "tumhari aankhon mein itna dard kyon hai".(90% cases she'll fall for it.....personal experience).
try calling a gal "moti" (gals call each other moti all the time.....whatever be the dimensions).
try going to a gym in full body-building gear.
try staring at a person continuously for as long as possible while he is swimming.
try saying "kaccha paapad pakka paapad" 20 times, and fast.
try joining TCS and then quit in 2 months and pay the full bond money coz u need an experience certificate from TCS.
try disturbing gunny when he is talking to a gal on fone (he dhamkaoed me of throwing away my mobile fone).
try pulling kuvalaya's hair (he pinched my left nipple so hard, it still pains at times).
try pulling my hair (i will kill u).
try convincing a group of u'r friends while having dinner that it is better not to marry.
try sitting in room 540 (satyabhama univ, boys hostel) when anant, kuvalay and ashutosh are discussing about iitd gals. (to do this now u need a time machine, i'm sorry).
try calling gunny a flirt coz he goes and chipkooos with all gals.
try asking gunny who is his "moti-vation".
try joining geometric software where people don't do any work. (there is force but no displacement, or vice versa......i am not sure....at least the product is zero)
try going to mumbai on weekends.
try climbing a tree.
try looking out of the window and thinking about u'r school days.
try going out with a school friend with whom u never spoke when u were in school (personal experience).
try pulling pavan (pavan, rashtrapati bhavan)'s ID-Card Tag from behind and doing "chal mere ghode tik tik tik".
try talking with Amor Jyoti Dinda on any serious topic.
try cracking a joke in front of shivangi (she'll cry).
try singing a senti song when deepthi shenoy asks u to sing for her. (u'll see saurabh sharma sitting in one corner and making odd and mischievous faces).
try writing a very short feedback for sudarshna as shashank did.
try asking sudha about who proposed first, she or sandy.
try looking into the eyes of rahul jalan.
try talking to him.
try cracking jokes in a pune-wala six-seater auto when many wipro-spectramind babes are around.
try talking to pani-puri waalaas.
try buying a bottle of jam and finishing it off in 10 minutes.
try going for a trek on a rainy day.
try having soup at the end of u'r meal.
try reading the emails sent by me 2-3 times.

due to time constraint, i am stopping here.......

I become "one point contact"

Boss, this is awsome!!! I have been made the one point contact person for MxCC, the application integrating EMatrix and ClearCase!!! WoW, isn't it exciting? It is like a dream-come-true for me. I always wanted to be this. Right from the moment I could understand what I was thinking, I have been wanting to become the MxCC one point contact person. And I am sure even before that, this very thing had been going on in my mind.

EMatrix is a PDM software. PDM bole to Product Data Management. Bahut jhhakaas cheez hai baap. And ClearCase is a software used for SourceCode version control. Waah kya baat hai!!!
I think this is a great achievement for me. I would like to thank my mummy, daddy, sister, brother, bhabhi, jiju, bhanji - soumya, bhatiji - anjali, bhatija - aditya, my puppy tomy, all my girl-friends....I would like to semi-thank my boy friends, my boss, my teachers, my favourite singer Udit Narayan, the President Mr. A.P.J.Abdul Kalam, the Prime Minister Mr. Manmohan Singh, Ms. Priyanka Chopra, Ms. Amrita Rao, and Raam Lal - the gali ka kutta...without you all this would not have been possible!!!

Finally I would like to dedicate 25% of my achievement to Geometric Software Solutions Co. Ltd. excluding the 3dPLM division and the EMatrix group, and the remaining 75% of my achievement to the EMatrix group...

I hope to make a great one point contact person. Wish me luck!!!